"Living at risk is jumping off the cliff
and building your wings on the way down."

- Ray Bradbury

Thursday, August 04, 2005
growing weary, bowled off my feet, mind wavering.. everything once luked so perfect but seems lyk it's just a passing phrase, just a fleeting moment. for the 1st time since the beginning, i'm really starting to think, mayb there's really not dat much of a difference. i feel guilty abt thinking dis way but i cant help it. during lecture, i almost cldnt get a hold of myself. the wave of disappointment n frustration dat washed over me was so great i really just felt lyk breaking down. but of cos, after all dis time, i'v mastered the art of controlling my emotions. no1 even noticed dat there was sth wrong with me. but there's no sense of achievement. i was just too upset.

u both had ur own priorities, just different ones. perhaps i'm too demanding? i do not noe. mayb i did not realise ur priorities from the beginning as i did the lastime. or mayb it's just dat the situation has just presented itself more clearly to me at dis moment. nonetheless, i do not think i expect a lot. if there's no way to even meet my expectations, den as my marketing tutor wld say, i'm a dissatisfied customer. but wld it really b better if i do not come back for more?

i'm alr trying hard to make the ends meet. sumtimes i can get by just fine, sumtimes i'm really pleased, but recently i think i'v been feeling q negative abt it. is it bcos i'm not doing enuf? or does the problem lie elsewhere? i just cant put a finger to it. i noe there'r many things dat i do not noe n do not understand, but if the door is closed, how can i go in n try to make sense of wad's happening? how can i get close enuf to even just b there? open the door for me pls. let me in. i'm growing desperate.

i'm having so much difficulty surviving in dis present situation. i cant make sense of anything n there's no1 to help me. shd i just take the unnecessary load off my shoulders? i do not wan to let go of anything, but i'm afraid i cannot hold on much longer. it's all too heavy for me to carry.. if i give up, wld u forgive me?

11.jan.86
saps.nygh.njc.ntu
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